Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Quit teasin' me!

I just got back from 40 hours in Orlando, Florida. Seriously, 40 hours at the Ritz, in sunny, 80 degree weather. I didn't really care that I was going to be there for such a short time because I knew I'd get a full day in the sun, lying by a pool and just relaxing. They even keep the screaming kids away! Somehow, reading about cognitive therapy and psychological disorders doesn't seem so bad when you're poolside.

Anyway, as I left for the airport today, I kept thinking, "This was just TOO short. What a tease." Which leads to my next topic: The various types of teases we've encountered in our lives, have tolerated and have accepted (even though we're not quite happy with them).
  • The vacation tease: A too short trip to paradise. (See above trip to Orlando.)
  • The sex tease: You know this one. You think you're going to get laid but you don't.
  • The job tease: The interview goes extremely well and you think you've totally landed the job. But no, they hire someone else.
  • The date tease: A guy asks for your number, says he's going to call you but then never does. Why bother getting the number then??
  • The dick tease: When you think a guy's going to have a big penis but doesn't. Total disappointment.
  • The friendship tease: I'll let Laura explain… "When you meet a new girl at work, school, etc. and they add you on Facebook, come up with all sorts of things you need to do together and then none of it happens. Made worse when she posts pictures of her with others at the streetfest/wine tasting/Cubs game you were supposed to attend together."
  • The relationship tease: Again from Laura: "I have found [this] to be very popular in Chicago. When a guy takes you out on nice dates, i.e., dinner at a nice place, to the zoo (cause only people in a relationship do that), staying in and cooking – but then tells you that somehow you have gotten the wrong idea and he isn't interested in dating/relationship, just hooking up. Take me to a bar and get me hammered if that's all you want."
I'm sure I'm missing many other types of teases. But the lingering question is... Why do we put up with this? Is the anticipation that something might happen what we're really looking for? Do we just like to torture ourselves? Or... Is the 40 hours of paradise acceptable because hey, at least we got a break? I'm going to guess YES. Cause even though Orlando was a tease and I'm sad to be back in bitter cold and snow, I wouldn't change those 40 hours for anything...

Thursday, January 22, 2009

New Phrases for a New Year

So last Sunday night, I went out with two friends who share my juvenile sense of humor. We were talking about various topics including the following:
  • What's the weirdest thing you've ever seen after pulling down a guy's or girl's pants?
  • Certain guys are a waste of a big dick.
  • Crazy girls will keep whatever memento they can of their "relationship" with you.
  • What exactly has to happen to count as a threesome?
  • Under what circumstance is it okay to delete your Facebook page?
One of the better discussions took place when we started to break down categories for Laura's annual contest, "Fat Ass of the NFL". She said one category could be "best moose knuckles" and from there, the conversation just progressed (or deteriorated)... Someone (I think Mike) came up with an alternate phrase, "extra batter", so the three of us sat at the bar, explicitly comparing the spillage of extra batter (when making muffins) to moose knuckles. Anyway, as we were talking and listening to Mike's story about needing two Speedo's to swim across Chem Lake, we noticed that the man sitting next to Mike got up and moved to the other end of the bar. We totally scared him off. A new phrase is born. The Extra Batter Effect: the ability to scare people away with a conversation.

Another topic discussed sometime during the day is the fact that some guys will always surround themselves with crazy chicks. The love of drama, the love of humiliation, the love of attention. Totally describes Rock of Love, doesn't it? Bret Michaels deliberately keeps the craziest chicks around. Probably to keep audiences watching the show cause really, who's going to watch if there isn't any drama? But if he's (supposedly) also dating these chicks, why the hell would he choose the craziest? Once again, a phrase is born. Some guys have Bret Michaels Syndrome: the love of crazy chicks and always wanting to be near them.

I cannot wait to use these phrases in 2009...

Saturday, January 17, 2009

33 Saturdays

** An open letter to football (specifically, the Michigan Wolverines and New England Patriots)

Dear football,

I already miss you. You've been gone for several weeks now and I'm at a loss. Watching other teams in bowl games or in the playoffs just feels like I'm cheating on you. (Although I did giggle with glee when Ohio State lost and the Mannings were knocked out. Who cares if we didn't make it?!)

It's another 33 Saturdays before I see the green grass at the Big House and hear the band play the greatest college fight song of all time (suck it, Notre Dame). And then the following week, I get to see Tom Brady come back with a vengeance. He'll make up for 2008, which was cut too short (suck it, Pollard) and he'll even erase memories of a lucky catch in 2007 (suck it, Tyree). According to one source, he's going to go all Terminator on us and win Comeback Player of the Year!

While you're away, you know what I'll be doing? I'm spending my spring and summer running. Running like Sam McGuffie did in his short stay at Michigan (damn you!). Running like BenJarvus Green-Ellis, a welcome surprise that epitomizes our 2008 season. Running towards the end zone that is September 5th.

In the meantime, I'm going to start watching hockey and once April hits, you know I'll be distracted by baseball, summer, streetfests and oh yeah, graduating. But once September 5th arrives, you have my undivided attention. I promise.

Till then, I count down the thirty-three Saturdays to psyche myself up for the new season. A clean slate and a chance to erase the memories of last year. Just hurry up and get here already…

Friday, January 9, 2009

Dear Sports Guy: You asked for it. You got it.

I recently received this email from Mr. Bill Simmons (or whoever's answering his emails):

I loved your blog. It was surprisingly great. Keep it up. Good stuff. I want my stories about your whore friends though.

Guy Who's Secretly Bitter That He Didn't Make the Anti-List
I had already been compiling a list of the best whore* stories (the blog wasn't named The Whoristorian for nothing!) so now, I share with you some of them. More will be shared when I finally get consents...
  • Girls A and B** visit another campus, with nowhere to spend the night. They figure "Eh, we'll find somewhere. And if worse comes to worse, we'll just sleep in the car." Girl A picks up a boy and success! They have a place to sleep – a fraternity house. The next morning, Girl A tries to sneak out but has no idea where Girl B is and cannot find certain clothing items. At that moment, Girl B knocks on the door and asks, "Is that your underwear up the flag pole?"

  • Girls A and B visit friends. During the evening, Girl A is topless and there are turtles crawling on her. Girl B sees this and says "I'm traumatized by this." Girl A laughingly says, "I'm traumatized that I'm not traumatized."

  • Girl A and friends are in Vegas and meet some Marines. Girl A hits it off with one of the Marines but slight problem. He's 20 years old and cannot hang out in the casino (she was over 30 at this time). Didn't stop her from making out with him in the food court.

  • Girl A sends an email to her friend: "Is it weird that Boy A asked if I'm available now for a threesome? It's Monday afternoon!" Friend's response: "Clarify. Does it bother you that he asked for a threesome? Or that he asked you to do it on a Monday afternoon?" Girl A's response: "Um... That he wants to do it on a Monday afternoon."

  • Girl A goes home with a Boy A. 10 years later, she's at a bar and a guy asks, "Hey, don't you know Boy A?" After a few clarifications, Boy A's friends ask, "Did you sleep with him?" Girl A responds, "I would have but he pulled out his guitar and started playing!"

  • Boy A is an avid Ohio State and Notre Dame fan. Boy A tries to hook up with Girl A. Boy A's penis does not cooperate. Later, Boy A tries to hook up with Girl B (a friend of Girl A). Again, the penis does not cooperate. Later, Boy A tries to hook up with Girl C (another friend of Girl A). Once again, the penis does not cooperate. Boy A's response: "Damn you Michigan girls." He finally finds success with Girl D (yet another friend of Girl A).

  • What's the best way to spend New Year's Day? Drinking with friends, watching football and hockey, and then capping off the night with sex in a bar bathroom.

  • Girls A and B visit Windsor. The plan was to go to a hockey game, go to the casino and then spend the night at a nearby hotel. Girl A had gone to see Boy A, but Girl B was just being a good wingman. Girl B gets a little friendly with Boy A's friend, Boy B, but has nowhere to go with him. Girl B and Boy B end up in the hotel's vending area.

  • Girl A and some friends head out to meet up with Boy A and his friends at a rookie party. The rookies have to dress up in costume so Boy A shows up as a green M&M. Girl A and Boy A hook up and the next morning, Boy A has to leave the apartment in a Green M&M costume.
* No one's really a "whore". We use that word as a term of endearment.

** These are stories of several different friends. I just label them "Girl A" or "Girl B" to keep things simple. Girls A and B really aren't huge whores, I swear.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Back to school

I have to head back to school today. I'm dreading the unavoidable "How was your break?" conversations. First of all, it's just small talk; you don't really care. Second, it's none of your damn business. Any one of my classmates that I actually like, I've already talked to. They know how my break has been. Yes, I'm cranky. So in preparation for this inevitable question, I'm compiling a list of snarky responses.
  • I holed up in the woods and finished "my project" (using air quotes, of course)
  • I drank a lot and regressed to my 21-year old self. But it's okay. If I'm pregnant, I know what to do this time.
  • I found God. Would you like to discuss how? Maybe you can find Him, too.
  • I found Satan. He's standing right next to you, actually.
  • I drank and talked a lot about poop, taint, balls, smegma, and various jobs
  • I tried to run away to Vegas to get married but never got out of Midway
  • I educated others on various birth control methods, including IUD's, the patch and Deprovera
  • I helped create new beverages that probably should be banned from human consumption
  • I started this blog and no, you can't have the URL
  • What break? We were on break? Wait, who are you?
  • GFY
  • I made a case for a new anxiety disorder
Some of these are actually true...

Saturday, January 3, 2009

A mighty fine 2009

2009 is off to a great start. A sing-a-long on New Years Eve, a Wrigley bar crawl on New Years Day for a hockey game (where I was groped by a penguin), and the invention of acronym shots... I'm already looking forward to the next 12 months.

To commemorate the beginning of a new year, I share with you my 2009 resolutions and anti-resolutions. I also share "the list" and "the anti-list" (you know, just to even it all out). I'm sure I'm forgetting many things so I may amend every three months or so. But for now, here it is, in no particular order:

2009 Resolutions (things to change):
  • I will no longer deliberately walk between couples holding hands
  • I will not take out my intense dislike of unruly children on strollers
  • I will stop yelling at people to walk faster
  • I will try my best to keep my energy, instead of letting others take it away
  • I will attempt to curb my evil thoughts (you heard me)
  • I will try not to use the word "hate" so much (yep, I said it)
  • I will embrace my like-dislike relationship with the CTA
2009 Anti-Resolutions (things to keep):
  • I will not apologize for (or stop) yelling at the TV during sports
  • I will not apologize for holding grudges
  • I will not apologize for my past/mistakes, only learn from them
  • I will let karma run its course (I'm doomed, I know)
  • I will continue to take inappropriate (and appropriate) pictures, just cause half the shit we do needs to be documented
  • I will continue to make inappropriate jokes cause seriously, you gotta have a sense of humor for the work I wanna do...
  • I will continue to look for a way out of the snow
  • I will continue to examine men's socks-shoes combinations and be picky about them
  • I will continue to make up words and continue to curse in another language
  • I will continue to believe that if you haven't hooked up with someone in 10 years, it should be expunged from your record
The list (things I intensely dislike):
  • the Yankees, Ohio State, Notre Dame, the Jets, the Mannings, Brett Favre
  • being told that I can't do something
  • being told what to do or what not to do
  • people who don't know the different between "your" and "you're"
  • people who don't tip wait staff, bartenders
  • people who call me "sweetie" "hon" "darlin'" "baby" or anything of the sort
  • people who assume my name is shortened to "Liz" or "Beth"
  • people who have the world handed to them, without earning it
  • people who shove their beliefs in your face
  • people who can't take a joke
  • "baby talk" to kids, significant others, and/or pets
  • parents who don't pay attention to their children
  • tourists who think Navy Pier in the winter is a good idea
  • professors who don't have time for their own class
  • students who use class time to tell personal stories
  • rudeness, inconsiderateness, ignorance, closed-mindedness, inefficiency, double standards
  • drama
  • jewelry commercials
  • groin pulls
  • men who wear skinny jeans and women who wear leggings as pants
The anti-list (things I intensely like):
  • Michigan Wolverines, Boston Red Sox, New England Patriots, Detroit Red Wings, Ed Hochuli
  • all ESPN channels, the NFL Network, the NHL Network, the MLB Network, the Big Ten Network
  • coffee ice cream
  • kickboxing
  • the way sports announcers talk about ball control, penetration and stripping
  • the running man and anyone who can do the worm
  • poop, taint and balls stories
  • flexible hypocrisy and moral flexibility
  • O Canada
  • In & Out Burger
  • my mom's cooking
  • summer streetfests
  • men with accents
  • watching hockey goalies stretch before games
  • Cabo San Lucas and Maui
  • Ice Ice Baby, the Humpty Dance and Baby Got Back
  • Shiloh Jolie-Pitt
  • my DVR
  • sharing hilarious stories, even at my own expense