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Things that I should be able to put on my resume but can’t:

• I can make you think I like you.
• I have 20 years of drinking experience.
• I have a great memory. I can remember random phone numbers from 15 years ago as well as the birthdays of most of my friends' kids.
• I can rationalize. As in, I can find an excuse to get out of anything.
• I can multitask and by multitask, I mean I can IM, email, read ESPN, take notes and participate in class at the same time.
• I can relate to most clients who have substance abuse issues.
• I have great people skills. I can tell if a girl’s REALLY psycho within 30 mins. of meeting her.
• I don't waste time. I can find a reason to hate something within 20 mins. of being introduced to it.
• I'm creative. I like to make up my own words and pronunciations.
  
• I've reused my own papers, which means I’m a cited author.