Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Sports-related PTSD

On September 24, 1994, I was stabbed to death. Let me explain… Actually no, here is ESPN Classic's description of what they dubbed the "Miracle at Michigan":
It's called the Miracle in Michigan when Colorado quarterback Kordell Stewart pulls a Flutie. On the game's final play, with Colorado trailing by five and having the ball on its own 36-yard line, Stewart buys time by scrambling in the pocket before letting loose a Hail Mary.

The ball travels 73 yards towards the Michigan goal line. Back-up wide receiver Blake Anderson, son of former Miami Dolphins safety Dick Anderson, leaps and tips the ball away from a Michigan defender back into the end zone.

Michael Westbrook dives for the ball and cradles it for the touchdown that gives No. 7 Colorado the improbable 27-26 victory over No. 4 Michigan, which led by 12 points with 2-1/2 minutes left.
(http://espn.go.com/classic/s/moment010924-kordell-hailmary.html) I REFUSE to post the YouTube clip. Just reading that description was painful. Amazingly, I can't remember where I was at that exact moment. I honestly think I may have blocked it out. Or blacked out...

So how did that moment stab me to death? In his podcast yesterday, the Sports Guy said the first time he saw a Hail Mary live, it was like getting stabbed to death. I immediately thought of that goddamn Colorado game and how perfect that description is. I shared that analogy to three of my good friends and here's what they said:
  • that's truly my worse football memory... i was on some bar in chicago's floor in a fetal position... thank god i went to a rave that night and ummm did what people do at raves
  • ahhh, that was a fucking amazing game and moment. fucking kordell. i was in the stadium on the 40 at about the 5th row or so. what made that game so bad, was that i was thinking stupidly during the game that this was finally the national championship year. (actually everyone around me was thinking the same thing) then sure enough, blue goes into the "three yards and cloud of dust to protect the lead" mode, and those fuckers come back. then the hail mary; then the stunned silence that seemed an eternity in the stadium. it was eerie how no one moved an inch, just staring into space in disbelief (aside from the little colorado section across the stadium). i just remember one of my jackass friends shouting over and over: "flag on the play" "i see a flag" "i see a flag", until we finally told him to shut the fuck up and the game was over. lovely memories. as you can clearly see, i am over it...
  • I forgot to get student tickets that year so I was watching it from home (close to the stadium that I could hear the stunned silence). As with most home games that year I of course had gotten a quarter barrel to preparty before the game. So I succeeded in getting stupid drunk to try and forget the game. And then I remembered that I had to go work the door at Rick's...
I mean seriously, we only won 3 games this year and THIS is his "worst football memory"?? We've bent over to Ohio State for the last ... I don't even know how many years and THIS was more traumatizing. Vivid memories of the moment and obviously, they're not over it.

That got me thinking… Is there such a thing as sports-related post-traumatic stress disorder? PTSD involves:
  • Exposure to a traumatic event, involving a response of intense fear, helplessness or horror
  • The traumatic event is persistently re-experienced
  • Persistent avoidance of stimuli associated with the trauma and numbing of general responsiveness (not present before the trauma)
  • Duration of the disturbance is more than one month
  • The disturbance causes clinically significant distress or impairment
(Thank you, DSM.)
  • Traumatic event = f&^*ing "Miracle at Michigan"
  • Feelings of horror, check.
  • Re-experience, check.
  • Avoidance of stimuli = hate you Kordell
  • Duration of disturbance = it's been over 14 years!!
  • And significant distress? I think that's an understatement...
I don't mean to minimize or trivialize PTSD. I know it's a serious anxiety disorder affecting many, many people. And I know that calling a moment in a football game a "traumatic event" is a stretch. Also, I'm not saying that every game-changing, significant moment in sports history is a source of sports-related PTSD. What I am saying, though, is that Stewart and Westbrook have certainly traumatized many Michigan football fans. To the point where I'm trying to explain, diagnose and treat our "disorder". Sigh...

Monday, December 29, 2008


I went out last night to watch the Jets-Dolphins game and *gulp* cheer for the goddamn Jets. It pains me to even remember this... What happened? Mangini showed why he'll never come out of Belichick's shadow and Favre reminded everyone that he should've retired last year. Or maybe even the year before. In the midst of (and after) yelling at the TV and wishing evil, evil, evil things upon these two men, there were some moments that I need to remember/commemorate...
  • A boot of watermelon bomb is the "best tasting beer ever"
  • The best way to get rid of "jizz" on a shirt is to pour beer on it
  • The invention of the "murderer dance"
  • "Mean Marvin"
  • Chicken pot pies will sober you up
  • Al Michaels and John Madden talking about "loosening up a stiff groin"
  • Always warn a man about your pointy boots before kicking him in the ass
and my favorite:
  • A detailed description/explanation of twisted testicles (aka, twisticles) and how to take care of them. Who knew?
Amazing what happens in 4 1/2 hours on a Sunday night...

Sunday, December 28, 2008



This website matches you with your "best places to live". Of all the questions, the only ones I "strongly" agreed with were the ones involving beaches, college and pro sports (shocker, I know), and politics. So here's my list, in no particular order:

  • Baltimore, MD
  • Providence, RI - I don't really like the cold, but whatever...
  • Little Rock, AR - WHAT?!
  • Baton Rouge, LA - Where?
  • New Haven, CT - The comment reads, "The first hamburger was cooked at Louis' Lunch in this CT spot in 1900." They know me alright...
  • Hartford, CT
  • Las Vegas, NV - Clearly, this list wants me dead.
  • Albuquerque, NM
  • Boston, MA - Maybe 10 years ago...
  • Portland, OR
  • Worcester, MA - Only so I can say "Worcester" repeatedly
  • Honolulu, HI - SIGN ME UP!!
  • Oakland, CA
  • San Diego, CA - Yes, please.
  • Milwaukee, WI - I like cheese, but c'mon...
  • Charleston, WV
  • Chicago, IL - Duh.
  • Champaign-Urbana, IL - Been there once. That was enough.
  • Orange County, CA - The OC baby!
  • San Francisco, CA
  • Las Cruces, NM
  • Washington, DC - Only if the bathroom floors are heated.
  • Norfolk, VA
  • Monroe, LA - Louisiana reminds me of Britney Spears. Is that a good association?
** Thanks to Angie for showing me where I should be...

Saturday, December 27, 2008

The last rant of 2008. Maybe...

I stumbled upon this article from CNN (http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/personal/12/25/tf.new.year.relationship.resolutions/index.html) and have to agree with a lot of it. A lot of women fall into these traps. It's hard to figure out how it happens and you vow never to do it again. So yeah, I agree with a lot of the article. However, what I didn't like about this article is that there's no counterpoint for men. Where are the men's new years resolutions regarding relationships? In an attempt to even out the gender scale, here's my stab at the list a list of men's beliefs (though not necessarily resolutions) that should change.

1. "She's not that crazy." (aka, "Crazy chicks are hot" "A little drama keeps things interesting" "She swears she's not usually like that" etc.)

You've been seeing each other for maybe a month and she's calling you her boyfriend, putting up pictures of the two of you in her office, and making plans to introduce you to her parents. Every time you go out with your friends, she wants to know if you've slept with any of your female friends or thinks that you're going to. You think to yourself, "Oh, she's just clingy." or "She just likes me a lot." Um, no. She is on a one-way path to yelling at you in the bar, running out crying, and then begging you to forgive her for making a scene.

There are rational ways to have these conversations but sometimes, it doesn't quite work out that way. (Alcohol is usually a factor.) There are women who jump into (what they think are) relationships at the first sign of interest or intimacy. Hey, we've all fallen victim to a crazy moment but they eventually go away. What doesn't go away are the guys who think this type of behavior is normal and even encourage it. So next time you see a repeated pattern of drama/crazy, put a stop to it or leave. Don't think it's hot or that the sex makes up for the crazy.

** Disclaimer: I know all women aren't crazy and that there's a relative degree to craziness. I'm just saying that if the behavior is there (and repeatedly there), guys shouldn't encourage it or tolerate it. There are healthy ways of dealing with relationship issues. Ways that don't lead up to garbage cans being flung at someone's head...

2. "She said she's okay with a casual arrangement."

See Resolution #2 in the aforementioned article.

I would like to state, however, that there are women capable of a casual (read: sex only) relationship. These women are few and far between, but they're out there… However, that doesn't give you guys license to lead her on into thinking that there's more to this arrangement. Don't act like you're interested, don't pretend to make future plans and don't feed her crap about your feelings. Be direct and honest. If she can't handle it, she'll eventually leave.

3. "My girlfriend has no idea…"

Um no, she does. She just chooses to ignore it. (It's part of the crazy.)

I'm sure there are more but these are the ones that I've come across most frequently and the ones that bother me the most. Trust me, there are perfectly sane women who are capable of taking things slow. There are fun-loving chicks who are laid back and unfazed by your comments/behaviors (and maybe even join in). There are also women out there who have no problems with casual relationships and may even surprise you with what they're willing to do. BUT, how the dynamic and the relationship/arrangement is handled is a two-way street. So don't play games and don't lead us on. We won't if you won't...

Friday, December 26, 2008

Whatta goal

Most people don't care about hockey but I'm not one of them... I've seen OHL, IHL, AHL and NHL games, on top of various college games from multiple conferences. And no, I'm not a puck bunny; I just love the pace and intensity of the game - at every level. And if you haven't seen a game, GO NOW. Watching it live makes it SO much better.

I remember Mike Legg's awesome goal against Minnesota.

I didn't really think I'd see anything that'd top Legg's creativity but this might be it. John Tavares scored this goal during an exhibition game in the World Junior Championships. Just shows you how much these guys work on hand-eye coordination.

And yes, the fights are pretty awesome, too. Osgood takes down Roy!!

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Pre-holiday ramblings...

Discussions that happen between 10pm and 3am:

  • Notice how men/women use different terminology when talking about women/men they're banging/nailing/doing/sleeping with? If they actually like someone, they use more respectful terms. When it's just someone random, it's ruder slang.
  • What's the difference between hooking up and sleeping with someone?
  • How many times do you have to sleep with someone before it's considered a "hook up"?
  • There are three things we always ask when a friend hooks up: (1) Did you sleep with him? (2) Was it any good? (3) How big was it?
  • I have a keen crazy radar and a strong gay-dar. Combined, I have a great cray-dar. The force is strong.
  • What's more disgusting? Chardonnay + Jagermeister or Merlot + Peppermint Schnapps?
  • How do you drink a Sweaty Mexican Lumberjack shot in one gulp? You're supposed to lick the mayo off the rim and really, who wants to go back multiples times to finish that?
  • What's the most disgusting condiment to include in a shot? Mayo.
  • Is there anyone you'd sleep with, knowing they had herpes?
  • Why do you stay faithful to certain boyfriends/girlfriends, but not others?
  • Every girl has the potential for crazy. Every guy has the potential for asshole. It's a matter of controlling it.
  • Why do you have to be in a committed relationship to get a vasectomy?
  • Explanation of tattoos and discussion of future tattoos.
  • There are two different times that someone will run like Terminator: (1) When they have to crap and are nowhere near a bathroom. (2) When they're facing a 300 lb. (wo)man who's eyeing their Big Mac/Hi-C like it's a winning lotto ticket.
I'm sure there were other topics, but these are the ones I remember. Needless to say it was a strange evening and a precursor for discussions to happen in 2009. So on that note, HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Wait, this isn't normal?

To add to Mike's post and give you a sample of a typical conversation, here is a discussion we had regarding the Visanthe Shiancoe incident and lockerroom nudity:

E: I don't know why this is such a big deal. Men prance around naked all the time.
M: You've got it right there: girls don't find nudity in the locker room a big deal. Guys do. In my experiences in several different gym settings, I've found that the male neck is physically incapable of turning down more than three degrees once it senses that there is an uncovered wiener in the area. It's eyes up, face-forward at all times. I'm not sure if the same goes for all males, but my peripheral vision is actually disabled when another naked man is within a five-foot radius of me. I can't even imagine being a reporter on my first day in an NFL locker room. You could whip a softball off of my temple and I'd have no idea it was coming.
E: One of the articles said there's a female reporter who's all business, all the time. The guys would try to rile her up by doing stuff like rubbing lotion on their nuts while talking to her but she wouldn't even blink. Whereas with a male reporter in a women's locker room, all it'd take is boobs.
M: Boobs? I think if someone were high-beaming through a sports bra it would be chaos.
E: One player said that he showing off on purpose. So maybe it's the cameraman's fault.
M: Someone on Dan Patrick suggested that he was doing it as a shout out to his wife. "Hey honey, just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you. Here's my dong."
E: There's a man I could marry.
M: Some women like flowers. Others like diamonds. The rest just want to see their husband's horse cock on national television.



I'm Mike. I have nipple rings and an ass tattoo. 90% of what Ellie and I discuss has something to do with poop, HJ's or gangbangs. Throw those three things together and you've just bought me a one-way ticket to bonerville. Anyway, I'll be on here from time to time helping out with my thoughts on Boston sports, whiskey, taking a dump outside...you know, guy stuff. Enjoy.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Ah college...

Recently, I was asked to write about strange college traditions and the inevitable drunken madness that surrounds these traditions. I posed the topic to my college friends and we came up with a list of stories that brought back many fond memories. Yes, fond. So while these stories may have nothing to do with real "tradition," they became lore in my book.


I went to college before the internet, digital cameras and YouTube. (And considering how much time I spent in a sports-related/drunken/debaucherous haze, I'm thankful…) I went to a college where the teams only enabled my addiction to sports. Going to a football game was worshipping at the altar with 100,000 of your closest friends. Going to a hockey game meant knowing your chants. You'd think that with that kind of tradition, I'd be able to come up with a good story for this topic. Instead, I reminisced… Here are the few stories that don't require name changes.

One of them is called "batting average." Everyday, you start batting 1.000. For every person you see that you've ever kissed, hooked up with or slept with, your batting average drops 0.250. The record was set by a friend who ended at NEGATIVE 0.750 (seven guys). Of course, we tried to get her to make out with one more to make it an even negative 1.000. Side question for debate: If you hook up with an athlete and then see him on TV, does that count?

Another story came from an intramural hockey game. Since we'd just come from happy hour, we found other entertainment, such as dancing on scaffolds. Then we found a garbage bin (which was clean, I swear). My friends somehow convinced me to get in and pushed me around in circles. It was all fun until they let go. It's amazing I didn't end up with a concussion.

Then there's Stupor Bowl. Biggest game of the year, add multiple pitchers of beer, countless shots of tequila. By the end of the night, my friend and I were sliding home in an ice storm, not knowing who played or who won, asking Rapunzel to bring us breadsticks from Pizza House.

Moral of the stories: If you have a whoristorian in your group of friends, make sure she's taken out by a ride in a garbage bin or Stupor Bowl. Cause otherwise, she's going to remember everything that'll knock down your batting average.


First off, the name of the blog... It came from this exchange:

Q: I stumbled across a past podcast where you and JackO debate how he got his nickname and you conceded that he remembers things much better than you do. This reminded me of my group of college friends (we've been together for 15 years now) and how I have a knack for remembering things a little too well. For this, they've dubbed me the "whore historian." Before you jump to the likely conclusion as to why I have the nickname, let me explain: I can remember almost every guy/girl my friends have hooked up with, how they met, where we were, what nickname we gave the guy/girl and why they were dubbed said nickname. So if we want a good session of ripping each other apart, people usually call/text me for ammo. Is this a skill I can put on my résumé?
-- e., Chicago

SG: My initial answer: Yes. My second thought: I'd call it the "Whoristorian." Just sounds better. My third thought: You're the leader in the clubhouse for "Sports Guy Reader of the Year" right now. My fourth thought: You should definitely have your own blog. My fifth thought: I'm going to say a prayer tonight that my wife doesn't have a college roommate who earned the nickname, "The Whore Historian," or even "The Whoristorian." OK, I'm done.

So thank you, Sports Guy, for the name of this blog.

Second, what am I going to write about? Anything's free game. This'll be a space for me to remember random stories and share them. Who doesn't like to reminisce? It'll be a space for me to vent about ... just anything. Basically, it's going to be a space where for my random thoughts. Hope you enjoy them...