Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Job search

Things that I should be able to put on my resume but can’t:
  • I can make you think I like you.
  • I have 20 years of drinking experience.
  • I have a great memory. I can remember random phone numbers from 15 years ago as well as the birthdays of most of my friends' kids.
  • I can rationalize. As in, I can find an excuse to get out of anything.
  • I can multitask and by multitask, I mean I can IM, email, read ESPN, take notes and participate in class at the same time.
  • I can relate to most clients who have substance abuse issues.
  • I have great people skills. I can tell if a girl’s REALLY psycho within 30 mins. of meeting her.
  • I don't waste time. I can find a reason to hate something within 20 mins. of being introduced to it.
  • I'm creative. I like to make up my own words and pronunciations.
  • I've reused my own papers, which means I’m a cited author.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Drive-by flirting

So today, I got this story from a friend of mine and wonder... REALLY?!
So I see this guy and think he's cute. Notice him checking me out and finally he comes over and starts talking to me, really flirty, this goes on for almost an hour. Then he says he has to go "tinkle" and when he comes back from that and talking to his friend, he's all, I have to go get a burrito. Bye. I am of course, totally confused by this exchange and I said so to my friend, who was talking to another guy from that group. That guy (who was actually super nice) tells me, yeah, he's engaged. What was really funny is he tells us that anytime we are talking to a guy who seems into us and it ends like that, we should just assume the guy is engaged, cause that's how guys are.
True? False? I need to know these things...

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaack...

I know, I know. I'm a blog slacker. A lot of it had to do with my schedule but another reason was that I just didn't have anything to write. My ability to write (or lack thereof) was reserved for schoolwork and the occasional Deadspin essay. I apologize. But now that my writing days for Deadspin are over, I can get back to this...

One of the topics we were given was about the "jock mentality" when it comes to women. I censored myself for that essay but thought I'd use that topic as a jumping off point for more whore stories. The all athletes version of whore stories. Again, these are stories of several different people.

  • Girl A has an "arrangement" with a baseball player (let's call him Pitcher #1). Unbeknownst to him, she also has an "arrangement" with a teammate (Pitcher #2). One night, Girl A opens her front door and sees Pitcher #1 standing there. And Pitcher #2's truck driving away.
  • Girls A and B visit a couple of football players. The football players decide to do a little dance for the girls, thinking it'd get them in the mood. One of them started stripping to "Justify My Love" covering himself only with a cowboy hat. Only thing it did was provide for a great whore story.
  • Girl A hooks up with a hockey player. Next morning, she finds his national championship ring on her nightstand. She returned it.
  • Girl A hooks up with a football player but then later says she was grossed out. When we asked her why, she said, "He had blonde pubes."
  • Girl A hooks up with a football player who was a stud around campus for making a game-winning kick. Next day, she tells us she didn't even know she was having sex with him. It was so small, she actually said to him, "Is it in?" (Sidenote: Three other friends hooked up with this guy. They all collaborate Girl A's story.)
  • Girl A starts making out with Hockey Player #1 on a balcony. He starts to creep her out so she tries to escape. Hockey Player #1 won't let go until Hockey Player #2 steps in. Later, Girl A starts making out with Hockey Player #2 and later says, "He saved me. I figured it was the least I could do."
  • Girl A is talking to a guy who's on the water polo team. She's not really interested but at the time, Girl A and her friends had a mission to at least kiss one guy from each team. So Girl A hooked up with the water polo guy. You know, so we could scratch that one off the list.
  • Girl A hooks up with an Olympic swimmer. In the middle of the night, he wakes up, gets out of bed and pees out her window. He says to her, "Whatever, it's just pee and it's not in your room." She tells us the next day, "You know he pees in the pool."
  • Girl A goes home with a hockey player she's had a crush on for a while. While he gives her a tour of his apartment, she notices a camcorder on his nightstand. Girl A can't run home fast enough.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Quit teasin' me!

I just got back from 40 hours in Orlando, Florida. Seriously, 40 hours at the Ritz, in sunny, 80 degree weather. I didn't really care that I was going to be there for such a short time because I knew I'd get a full day in the sun, lying by a pool and just relaxing. They even keep the screaming kids away! Somehow, reading about cognitive therapy and psychological disorders doesn't seem so bad when you're poolside.

Anyway, as I left for the airport today, I kept thinking, "This was just TOO short. What a tease." Which leads to my next topic: The various types of teases we've encountered in our lives, have tolerated and have accepted (even though we're not quite happy with them).
  • The vacation tease: A too short trip to paradise. (See above trip to Orlando.)
  • The sex tease: You know this one. You think you're going to get laid but you don't.
  • The job tease: The interview goes extremely well and you think you've totally landed the job. But no, they hire someone else.
  • The date tease: A guy asks for your number, says he's going to call you but then never does. Why bother getting the number then??
  • The dick tease: When you think a guy's going to have a big penis but doesn't. Total disappointment.
  • The friendship tease: I'll let Laura explain… "When you meet a new girl at work, school, etc. and they add you on Facebook, come up with all sorts of things you need to do together and then none of it happens. Made worse when she posts pictures of her with others at the streetfest/wine tasting/Cubs game you were supposed to attend together."
  • The relationship tease: Again from Laura: "I have found [this] to be very popular in Chicago. When a guy takes you out on nice dates, i.e., dinner at a nice place, to the zoo (cause only people in a relationship do that), staying in and cooking – but then tells you that somehow you have gotten the wrong idea and he isn't interested in dating/relationship, just hooking up. Take me to a bar and get me hammered if that's all you want."
I'm sure I'm missing many other types of teases. But the lingering question is... Why do we put up with this? Is the anticipation that something might happen what we're really looking for? Do we just like to torture ourselves? Or... Is the 40 hours of paradise acceptable because hey, at least we got a break? I'm going to guess YES. Cause even though Orlando was a tease and I'm sad to be back in bitter cold and snow, I wouldn't change those 40 hours for anything...

Thursday, January 22, 2009

New Phrases for a New Year

So last Sunday night, I went out with two friends who share my juvenile sense of humor. We were talking about various topics including the following:
  • What's the weirdest thing you've ever seen after pulling down a guy's or girl's pants?
  • Certain guys are a waste of a big dick.
  • Crazy girls will keep whatever memento they can of their "relationship" with you.
  • What exactly has to happen to count as a threesome?
  • Under what circumstance is it okay to delete your Facebook page?
One of the better discussions took place when we started to break down categories for Laura's annual contest, "Fat Ass of the NFL". She said one category could be "best moose knuckles" and from there, the conversation just progressed (or deteriorated)... Someone (I think Mike) came up with an alternate phrase, "extra batter", so the three of us sat at the bar, explicitly comparing the spillage of extra batter (when making muffins) to moose knuckles. Anyway, as we were talking and listening to Mike's story about needing two Speedo's to swim across Chem Lake, we noticed that the man sitting next to Mike got up and moved to the other end of the bar. We totally scared him off. A new phrase is born. The Extra Batter Effect: the ability to scare people away with a conversation.

Another topic discussed sometime during the day is the fact that some guys will always surround themselves with crazy chicks. The love of drama, the love of humiliation, the love of attention. Totally describes Rock of Love, doesn't it? Bret Michaels deliberately keeps the craziest chicks around. Probably to keep audiences watching the show cause really, who's going to watch if there isn't any drama? But if he's (supposedly) also dating these chicks, why the hell would he choose the craziest? Once again, a phrase is born. Some guys have Bret Michaels Syndrome: the love of crazy chicks and always wanting to be near them.

I cannot wait to use these phrases in 2009...

Saturday, January 17, 2009

33 Saturdays

** An open letter to football (specifically, the Michigan Wolverines and New England Patriots)

Dear football,

I already miss you. You've been gone for several weeks now and I'm at a loss. Watching other teams in bowl games or in the playoffs just feels like I'm cheating on you. (Although I did giggle with glee when Ohio State lost and the Mannings were knocked out. Who cares if we didn't make it?!)

It's another 33 Saturdays before I see the green grass at the Big House and hear the band play the greatest college fight song of all time (suck it, Notre Dame). And then the following week, I get to see Tom Brady come back with a vengeance. He'll make up for 2008, which was cut too short (suck it, Pollard) and he'll even erase memories of a lucky catch in 2007 (suck it, Tyree). According to one source, he's going to go all Terminator on us and win Comeback Player of the Year!

While you're away, you know what I'll be doing? I'm spending my spring and summer running. Running like Sam McGuffie did in his short stay at Michigan (damn you!). Running like BenJarvus Green-Ellis, a welcome surprise that epitomizes our 2008 season. Running towards the end zone that is September 5th.

In the meantime, I'm going to start watching hockey and once April hits, you know I'll be distracted by baseball, summer, streetfests and oh yeah, graduating. But once September 5th arrives, you have my undivided attention. I promise.

Till then, I count down the thirty-three Saturdays to psyche myself up for the new season. A clean slate and a chance to erase the memories of last year. Just hurry up and get here already…

Friday, January 9, 2009

Dear Sports Guy: You asked for it. You got it.

I recently received this email from Mr. Bill Simmons (or whoever's answering his emails):

I loved your blog. It was surprisingly great. Keep it up. Good stuff. I want my stories about your whore friends though.

Guy Who's Secretly Bitter That He Didn't Make the Anti-List
I had already been compiling a list of the best whore* stories (the blog wasn't named The Whoristorian for nothing!) so now, I share with you some of them. More will be shared when I finally get consents...
  • Girls A and B** visit another campus, with nowhere to spend the night. They figure "Eh, we'll find somewhere. And if worse comes to worse, we'll just sleep in the car." Girl A picks up a boy and success! They have a place to sleep – a fraternity house. The next morning, Girl A tries to sneak out but has no idea where Girl B is and cannot find certain clothing items. At that moment, Girl B knocks on the door and asks, "Is that your underwear up the flag pole?"

  • Girls A and B visit friends. During the evening, Girl A is topless and there are turtles crawling on her. Girl B sees this and says "I'm traumatized by this." Girl A laughingly says, "I'm traumatized that I'm not traumatized."

  • Girl A and friends are in Vegas and meet some Marines. Girl A hits it off with one of the Marines but slight problem. He's 20 years old and cannot hang out in the casino (she was over 30 at this time). Didn't stop her from making out with him in the food court.

  • Girl A sends an email to her friend: "Is it weird that Boy A asked if I'm available now for a threesome? It's Monday afternoon!" Friend's response: "Clarify. Does it bother you that he asked for a threesome? Or that he asked you to do it on a Monday afternoon?" Girl A's response: "Um... That he wants to do it on a Monday afternoon."

  • Girl A goes home with a Boy A. 10 years later, she's at a bar and a guy asks, "Hey, don't you know Boy A?" After a few clarifications, Boy A's friends ask, "Did you sleep with him?" Girl A responds, "I would have but he pulled out his guitar and started playing!"

  • Boy A is an avid Ohio State and Notre Dame fan. Boy A tries to hook up with Girl A. Boy A's penis does not cooperate. Later, Boy A tries to hook up with Girl B (a friend of Girl A). Again, the penis does not cooperate. Later, Boy A tries to hook up with Girl C (another friend of Girl A). Once again, the penis does not cooperate. Boy A's response: "Damn you Michigan girls." He finally finds success with Girl D (yet another friend of Girl A).

  • What's the best way to spend New Year's Day? Drinking with friends, watching football and hockey, and then capping off the night with sex in a bar bathroom.

  • Girls A and B visit Windsor. The plan was to go to a hockey game, go to the casino and then spend the night at a nearby hotel. Girl A had gone to see Boy A, but Girl B was just being a good wingman. Girl B gets a little friendly with Boy A's friend, Boy B, but has nowhere to go with him. Girl B and Boy B end up in the hotel's vending area.

  • Girl A and some friends head out to meet up with Boy A and his friends at a rookie party. The rookies have to dress up in costume so Boy A shows up as a green M&M. Girl A and Boy A hook up and the next morning, Boy A has to leave the apartment in a Green M&M costume.
* No one's really a "whore". We use that word as a term of endearment.

** These are stories of several different friends. I just label them "Girl A" or "Girl B" to keep things simple. Girls A and B really aren't huge whores, I swear.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Back to school

I have to head back to school today. I'm dreading the unavoidable "How was your break?" conversations. First of all, it's just small talk; you don't really care. Second, it's none of your damn business. Any one of my classmates that I actually like, I've already talked to. They know how my break has been. Yes, I'm cranky. So in preparation for this inevitable question, I'm compiling a list of snarky responses.
  • I holed up in the woods and finished "my project" (using air quotes, of course)
  • I drank a lot and regressed to my 21-year old self. But it's okay. If I'm pregnant, I know what to do this time.
  • I found God. Would you like to discuss how? Maybe you can find Him, too.
  • I found Satan. He's standing right next to you, actually.
  • I drank and talked a lot about poop, taint, balls, smegma, and various jobs
  • I tried to run away to Vegas to get married but never got out of Midway
  • I educated others on various birth control methods, including IUD's, the patch and Deprovera
  • I helped create new beverages that probably should be banned from human consumption
  • I started this blog and no, you can't have the URL
  • What break? We were on break? Wait, who are you?
  • GFY
  • I made a case for a new anxiety disorder
Some of these are actually true...

Saturday, January 3, 2009

A mighty fine 2009

2009 is off to a great start. A sing-a-long on New Years Eve, a Wrigley bar crawl on New Years Day for a hockey game (where I was groped by a penguin), and the invention of acronym shots... I'm already looking forward to the next 12 months.

To commemorate the beginning of a new year, I share with you my 2009 resolutions and anti-resolutions. I also share "the list" and "the anti-list" (you know, just to even it all out). I'm sure I'm forgetting many things so I may amend every three months or so. But for now, here it is, in no particular order:

2009 Resolutions (things to change):
  • I will no longer deliberately walk between couples holding hands
  • I will not take out my intense dislike of unruly children on strollers
  • I will stop yelling at people to walk faster
  • I will try my best to keep my energy, instead of letting others take it away
  • I will attempt to curb my evil thoughts (you heard me)
  • I will try not to use the word "hate" so much (yep, I said it)
  • I will embrace my like-dislike relationship with the CTA
2009 Anti-Resolutions (things to keep):
  • I will not apologize for (or stop) yelling at the TV during sports
  • I will not apologize for holding grudges
  • I will not apologize for my past/mistakes, only learn from them
  • I will let karma run its course (I'm doomed, I know)
  • I will continue to take inappropriate (and appropriate) pictures, just cause half the shit we do needs to be documented
  • I will continue to make inappropriate jokes cause seriously, you gotta have a sense of humor for the work I wanna do...
  • I will continue to look for a way out of the snow
  • I will continue to examine men's socks-shoes combinations and be picky about them
  • I will continue to make up words and continue to curse in another language
  • I will continue to believe that if you haven't hooked up with someone in 10 years, it should be expunged from your record
The list (things I intensely dislike):
  • the Yankees, Ohio State, Notre Dame, the Jets, the Mannings, Brett Favre
  • being told that I can't do something
  • being told what to do or what not to do
  • people who don't know the different between "your" and "you're"
  • people who don't tip wait staff, bartenders
  • people who call me "sweetie" "hon" "darlin'" "baby" or anything of the sort
  • people who assume my name is shortened to "Liz" or "Beth"
  • people who have the world handed to them, without earning it
  • people who shove their beliefs in your face
  • people who can't take a joke
  • "baby talk" to kids, significant others, and/or pets
  • parents who don't pay attention to their children
  • tourists who think Navy Pier in the winter is a good idea
  • professors who don't have time for their own class
  • students who use class time to tell personal stories
  • rudeness, inconsiderateness, ignorance, closed-mindedness, inefficiency, double standards
  • drama
  • jewelry commercials
  • groin pulls
  • men who wear skinny jeans and women who wear leggings as pants
The anti-list (things I intensely like):
  • Michigan Wolverines, Boston Red Sox, New England Patriots, Detroit Red Wings, Ed Hochuli
  • all ESPN channels, the NFL Network, the NHL Network, the MLB Network, the Big Ten Network
  • coffee ice cream
  • kickboxing
  • the way sports announcers talk about ball control, penetration and stripping
  • the running man and anyone who can do the worm
  • poop, taint and balls stories
  • flexible hypocrisy and moral flexibility
  • O Canada
  • In & Out Burger
  • my mom's cooking
  • summer streetfests
  • men with accents
  • watching hockey goalies stretch before games
  • Cabo San Lucas and Maui
  • Ice Ice Baby, the Humpty Dance and Baby Got Back
  • Shiloh Jolie-Pitt
  • my DVR
  • sharing hilarious stories, even at my own expense

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Sports-related PTSD

On September 24, 1994, I was stabbed to death. Let me explain… Actually no, here is ESPN Classic's description of what they dubbed the "Miracle at Michigan":
It's called the Miracle in Michigan when Colorado quarterback Kordell Stewart pulls a Flutie. On the game's final play, with Colorado trailing by five and having the ball on its own 36-yard line, Stewart buys time by scrambling in the pocket before letting loose a Hail Mary.

The ball travels 73 yards towards the Michigan goal line. Back-up wide receiver Blake Anderson, son of former Miami Dolphins safety Dick Anderson, leaps and tips the ball away from a Michigan defender back into the end zone.

Michael Westbrook dives for the ball and cradles it for the touchdown that gives No. 7 Colorado the improbable 27-26 victory over No. 4 Michigan, which led by 12 points with 2-1/2 minutes left.
( I REFUSE to post the YouTube clip. Just reading that description was painful. Amazingly, I can't remember where I was at that exact moment. I honestly think I may have blocked it out. Or blacked out...

So how did that moment stab me to death? In his podcast yesterday, the Sports Guy said the first time he saw a Hail Mary live, it was like getting stabbed to death. I immediately thought of that goddamn Colorado game and how perfect that description is. I shared that analogy to three of my good friends and here's what they said:
  • that's truly my worse football memory... i was on some bar in chicago's floor in a fetal position... thank god i went to a rave that night and ummm did what people do at raves
  • ahhh, that was a fucking amazing game and moment. fucking kordell. i was in the stadium on the 40 at about the 5th row or so. what made that game so bad, was that i was thinking stupidly during the game that this was finally the national championship year. (actually everyone around me was thinking the same thing) then sure enough, blue goes into the "three yards and cloud of dust to protect the lead" mode, and those fuckers come back. then the hail mary; then the stunned silence that seemed an eternity in the stadium. it was eerie how no one moved an inch, just staring into space in disbelief (aside from the little colorado section across the stadium). i just remember one of my jackass friends shouting over and over: "flag on the play" "i see a flag" "i see a flag", until we finally told him to shut the fuck up and the game was over. lovely memories. as you can clearly see, i am over it...
  • I forgot to get student tickets that year so I was watching it from home (close to the stadium that I could hear the stunned silence). As with most home games that year I of course had gotten a quarter barrel to preparty before the game. So I succeeded in getting stupid drunk to try and forget the game. And then I remembered that I had to go work the door at Rick's...
I mean seriously, we only won 3 games this year and THIS is his "worst football memory"?? We've bent over to Ohio State for the last ... I don't even know how many years and THIS was more traumatizing. Vivid memories of the moment and obviously, they're not over it.

That got me thinking… Is there such a thing as sports-related post-traumatic stress disorder? PTSD involves:
  • Exposure to a traumatic event, involving a response of intense fear, helplessness or horror
  • The traumatic event is persistently re-experienced
  • Persistent avoidance of stimuli associated with the trauma and numbing of general responsiveness (not present before the trauma)
  • Duration of the disturbance is more than one month
  • The disturbance causes clinically significant distress or impairment
(Thank you, DSM.)
  • Traumatic event = f&^*ing "Miracle at Michigan"
  • Feelings of horror, check.
  • Re-experience, check.
  • Avoidance of stimuli = hate you Kordell
  • Duration of disturbance = it's been over 14 years!!
  • And significant distress? I think that's an understatement...
I don't mean to minimize or trivialize PTSD. I know it's a serious anxiety disorder affecting many, many people. And I know that calling a moment in a football game a "traumatic event" is a stretch. Also, I'm not saying that every game-changing, significant moment in sports history is a source of sports-related PTSD. What I am saying, though, is that Stewart and Westbrook have certainly traumatized many Michigan football fans. To the point where I'm trying to explain, diagnose and treat our "disorder". Sigh...

Monday, December 29, 2008


I went out last night to watch the Jets-Dolphins game and *gulp* cheer for the goddamn Jets. It pains me to even remember this... What happened? Mangini showed why he'll never come out of Belichick's shadow and Favre reminded everyone that he should've retired last year. Or maybe even the year before. In the midst of (and after) yelling at the TV and wishing evil, evil, evil things upon these two men, there were some moments that I need to remember/commemorate...
  • A boot of watermelon bomb is the "best tasting beer ever"
  • The best way to get rid of "jizz" on a shirt is to pour beer on it
  • The invention of the "murderer dance"
  • "Mean Marvin"
  • Chicken pot pies will sober you up
  • Al Michaels and John Madden talking about "loosening up a stiff groin"
  • Always warn a man about your pointy boots before kicking him in the ass
and my favorite:
  • A detailed description/explanation of twisted testicles (aka, twisticles) and how to take care of them. Who knew?
Amazing what happens in 4 1/2 hours on a Sunday night...

Sunday, December 28, 2008


This website matches you with your "best places to live". Of all the questions, the only ones I "strongly" agreed with were the ones involving beaches, college and pro sports (shocker, I know), and politics. So here's my list, in no particular order:

  • Baltimore, MD
  • Providence, RI - I don't really like the cold, but whatever...
  • Little Rock, AR - WHAT?!
  • Baton Rouge, LA - Where?
  • New Haven, CT - The comment reads, "The first hamburger was cooked at Louis' Lunch in this CT spot in 1900." They know me alright...
  • Hartford, CT
  • Las Vegas, NV - Clearly, this list wants me dead.
  • Albuquerque, NM
  • Boston, MA - Maybe 10 years ago...
  • Portland, OR
  • Worcester, MA - Only so I can say "Worcester" repeatedly
  • Honolulu, HI - SIGN ME UP!!
  • Oakland, CA
  • San Diego, CA - Yes, please.
  • Milwaukee, WI - I like cheese, but c'mon...
  • Charleston, WV
  • Chicago, IL - Duh.
  • Champaign-Urbana, IL - Been there once. That was enough.
  • Orange County, CA - The OC baby!
  • San Francisco, CA
  • Las Cruces, NM
  • Washington, DC - Only if the bathroom floors are heated.
  • Norfolk, VA
  • Monroe, LA - Louisiana reminds me of Britney Spears. Is that a good association?
** Thanks to Angie for showing me where I should be...

Saturday, December 27, 2008

The last rant of 2008. Maybe...

I stumbled upon this article from CNN ( and have to agree with a lot of it. A lot of women fall into these traps. It's hard to figure out how it happens and you vow never to do it again. So yeah, I agree with a lot of the article. However, what I didn't like about this article is that there's no counterpoint for men. Where are the men's new years resolutions regarding relationships? In an attempt to even out the gender scale, here's my stab at the list a list of men's beliefs (though not necessarily resolutions) that should change.

1. "She's not that crazy." (aka, "Crazy chicks are hot" "A little drama keeps things interesting" "She swears she's not usually like that" etc.)

You've been seeing each other for maybe a month and she's calling you her boyfriend, putting up pictures of the two of you in her office, and making plans to introduce you to her parents. Every time you go out with your friends, she wants to know if you've slept with any of your female friends or thinks that you're going to. You think to yourself, "Oh, she's just clingy." or "She just likes me a lot." Um, no. She is on a one-way path to yelling at you in the bar, running out crying, and then begging you to forgive her for making a scene.

There are rational ways to have these conversations but sometimes, it doesn't quite work out that way. (Alcohol is usually a factor.) There are women who jump into (what they think are) relationships at the first sign of interest or intimacy. Hey, we've all fallen victim to a crazy moment but they eventually go away. What doesn't go away are the guys who think this type of behavior is normal and even encourage it. So next time you see a repeated pattern of drama/crazy, put a stop to it or leave. Don't think it's hot or that the sex makes up for the crazy.

** Disclaimer: I know all women aren't crazy and that there's a relative degree to craziness. I'm just saying that if the behavior is there (and repeatedly there), guys shouldn't encourage it or tolerate it. There are healthy ways of dealing with relationship issues. Ways that don't lead up to garbage cans being flung at someone's head...

2. "She said she's okay with a casual arrangement."

See Resolution #2 in the aforementioned article.

I would like to state, however, that there are women capable of a casual (read: sex only) relationship. These women are few and far between, but they're out there… However, that doesn't give you guys license to lead her on into thinking that there's more to this arrangement. Don't act like you're interested, don't pretend to make future plans and don't feed her crap about your feelings. Be direct and honest. If she can't handle it, she'll eventually leave.

3. "My girlfriend has no idea…"

Um no, she does. She just chooses to ignore it. (It's part of the crazy.)

I'm sure there are more but these are the ones that I've come across most frequently and the ones that bother me the most. Trust me, there are perfectly sane women who are capable of taking things slow. There are fun-loving chicks who are laid back and unfazed by your comments/behaviors (and maybe even join in). There are also women out there who have no problems with casual relationships and may even surprise you with what they're willing to do. BUT, how the dynamic and the relationship/arrangement is handled is a two-way street. So don't play games and don't lead us on. We won't if you won't...

Friday, December 26, 2008

Whatta goal

Most people don't care about hockey but I'm not one of them... I've seen OHL, IHL, AHL and NHL games, on top of various college games from multiple conferences. And no, I'm not a puck bunny; I just love the pace and intensity of the game - at every level. And if you haven't seen a game, GO NOW. Watching it live makes it SO much better.

I remember Mike Legg's awesome goal against Minnesota.

I didn't really think I'd see anything that'd top Legg's creativity but this might be it. John Tavares scored this goal during an exhibition game in the World Junior Championships. Just shows you how much these guys work on hand-eye coordination.

And yes, the fights are pretty awesome, too. Osgood takes down Roy!!

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Pre-holiday ramblings...

Discussions that happen between 10pm and 3am:

  • Notice how men/women use different terminology when talking about women/men they're banging/nailing/doing/sleeping with? If they actually like someone, they use more respectful terms. When it's just someone random, it's ruder slang.
  • What's the difference between hooking up and sleeping with someone?
  • How many times do you have to sleep with someone before it's considered a "hook up"?
  • There are three things we always ask when a friend hooks up: (1) Did you sleep with him? (2) Was it any good? (3) How big was it?
  • I have a keen crazy radar and a strong gay-dar. Combined, I have a great cray-dar. The force is strong.
  • What's more disgusting? Chardonnay + Jagermeister or Merlot + Peppermint Schnapps?
  • How do you drink a Sweaty Mexican Lumberjack shot in one gulp? You're supposed to lick the mayo off the rim and really, who wants to go back multiples times to finish that?
  • What's the most disgusting condiment to include in a shot? Mayo.
  • Is there anyone you'd sleep with, knowing they had herpes?
  • Why do you stay faithful to certain boyfriends/girlfriends, but not others?
  • Every girl has the potential for crazy. Every guy has the potential for asshole. It's a matter of controlling it.
  • Why do you have to be in a committed relationship to get a vasectomy?
  • Explanation of tattoos and discussion of future tattoos.
  • There are two different times that someone will run like Terminator: (1) When they have to crap and are nowhere near a bathroom. (2) When they're facing a 300 lb. (wo)man who's eyeing their Big Mac/Hi-C like it's a winning lotto ticket.
I'm sure there were other topics, but these are the ones I remember. Needless to say it was a strange evening and a precursor for discussions to happen in 2009. So on that note, HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Wait, this isn't normal?

To add to Mike's post and give you a sample of a typical conversation, here is a discussion we had regarding the Visanthe Shiancoe incident and lockerroom nudity:

E: I don't know why this is such a big deal. Men prance around naked all the time.
M: You've got it right there: girls don't find nudity in the locker room a big deal. Guys do. In my experiences in several different gym settings, I've found that the male neck is physically incapable of turning down more than three degrees once it senses that there is an uncovered wiener in the area. It's eyes up, face-forward at all times. I'm not sure if the same goes for all males, but my peripheral vision is actually disabled when another naked man is within a five-foot radius of me. I can't even imagine being a reporter on my first day in an NFL locker room. You could whip a softball off of my temple and I'd have no idea it was coming.
E: One of the articles said there's a female reporter who's all business, all the time. The guys would try to rile her up by doing stuff like rubbing lotion on their nuts while talking to her but she wouldn't even blink. Whereas with a male reporter in a women's locker room, all it'd take is boobs.
M: Boobs? I think if someone were high-beaming through a sports bra it would be chaos.
E: One player said that he showing off on purpose. So maybe it's the cameraman's fault.
M: Someone on Dan Patrick suggested that he was doing it as a shout out to his wife. "Hey honey, just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you. Here's my dong."
E: There's a man I could marry.
M: Some women like flowers. Others like diamonds. The rest just want to see their husband's horse cock on national television.



I'm Mike. I have nipple rings and an ass tattoo. 90% of what Ellie and I discuss has something to do with poop, HJ's or gangbangs. Throw those three things together and you've just bought me a one-way ticket to bonerville. Anyway, I'll be on here from time to time helping out with my thoughts on Boston sports, whiskey, taking a dump know, guy stuff. Enjoy.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Ah college...

Recently, I was asked to write about strange college traditions and the inevitable drunken madness that surrounds these traditions. I posed the topic to my college friends and we came up with a list of stories that brought back many fond memories. Yes, fond. So while these stories may have nothing to do with real "tradition," they became lore in my book.


I went to college before the internet, digital cameras and YouTube. (And considering how much time I spent in a sports-related/drunken/debaucherous haze, I'm thankful…) I went to a college where the teams only enabled my addiction to sports. Going to a football game was worshipping at the altar with 100,000 of your closest friends. Going to a hockey game meant knowing your chants. You'd think that with that kind of tradition, I'd be able to come up with a good story for this topic. Instead, I reminisced… Here are the few stories that don't require name changes.

One of them is called "batting average." Everyday, you start batting 1.000. For every person you see that you've ever kissed, hooked up with or slept with, your batting average drops 0.250. The record was set by a friend who ended at NEGATIVE 0.750 (seven guys). Of course, we tried to get her to make out with one more to make it an even negative 1.000. Side question for debate: If you hook up with an athlete and then see him on TV, does that count?

Another story came from an intramural hockey game. Since we'd just come from happy hour, we found other entertainment, such as dancing on scaffolds. Then we found a garbage bin (which was clean, I swear). My friends somehow convinced me to get in and pushed me around in circles. It was all fun until they let go. It's amazing I didn't end up with a concussion.

Then there's Stupor Bowl. Biggest game of the year, add multiple pitchers of beer, countless shots of tequila. By the end of the night, my friend and I were sliding home in an ice storm, not knowing who played or who won, asking Rapunzel to bring us breadsticks from Pizza House.

Moral of the stories: If you have a whoristorian in your group of friends, make sure she's taken out by a ride in a garbage bin or Stupor Bowl. Cause otherwise, she's going to remember everything that'll knock down your batting average.


First off, the name of the blog... It came from this exchange:

Q: I stumbled across a past podcast where you and JackO debate how he got his nickname and you conceded that he remembers things much better than you do. This reminded me of my group of college friends (we've been together for 15 years now) and how I have a knack for remembering things a little too well. For this, they've dubbed me the "whore historian." Before you jump to the likely conclusion as to why I have the nickname, let me explain: I can remember almost every guy/girl my friends have hooked up with, how they met, where we were, what nickname we gave the guy/girl and why they were dubbed said nickname. So if we want a good session of ripping each other apart, people usually call/text me for ammo. Is this a skill I can put on my résumé?
-- e., Chicago

SG: My initial answer: Yes. My second thought: I'd call it the "Whoristorian." Just sounds better. My third thought: You're the leader in the clubhouse for "Sports Guy Reader of the Year" right now. My fourth thought: You should definitely have your own blog. My fifth thought: I'm going to say a prayer tonight that my wife doesn't have a college roommate who earned the nickname, "The Whore Historian," or even "The Whoristorian." OK, I'm done.

So thank you, Sports Guy, for the name of this blog.

Second, what am I going to write about? Anything's free game. This'll be a space for me to remember random stories and share them. Who doesn't like to reminisce? It'll be a space for me to vent about ... just anything. Basically, it's going to be a space where for my random thoughts. Hope you enjoy them...