Friday, January 9, 2009

Dear Sports Guy: You asked for it. You got it.

I recently received this email from Mr. Bill Simmons (or whoever's answering his emails):

I loved your blog. It was surprisingly great. Keep it up. Good stuff. I want my stories about your whore friends though.

Guy Who's Secretly Bitter That He Didn't Make the Anti-List
I had already been compiling a list of the best whore* stories (the blog wasn't named The Whoristorian for nothing!) so now, I share with you some of them. More will be shared when I finally get consents...
  • Girls A and B** visit another campus, with nowhere to spend the night. They figure "Eh, we'll find somewhere. And if worse comes to worse, we'll just sleep in the car." Girl A picks up a boy and success! They have a place to sleep – a fraternity house. The next morning, Girl A tries to sneak out but has no idea where Girl B is and cannot find certain clothing items. At that moment, Girl B knocks on the door and asks, "Is that your underwear up the flag pole?"

  • Girls A and B visit friends. During the evening, Girl A is topless and there are turtles crawling on her. Girl B sees this and says "I'm traumatized by this." Girl A laughingly says, "I'm traumatized that I'm not traumatized."

  • Girl A and friends are in Vegas and meet some Marines. Girl A hits it off with one of the Marines but slight problem. He's 20 years old and cannot hang out in the casino (she was over 30 at this time). Didn't stop her from making out with him in the food court.

  • Girl A sends an email to her friend: "Is it weird that Boy A asked if I'm available now for a threesome? It's Monday afternoon!" Friend's response: "Clarify. Does it bother you that he asked for a threesome? Or that he asked you to do it on a Monday afternoon?" Girl A's response: "Um... That he wants to do it on a Monday afternoon."

  • Girl A goes home with a Boy A. 10 years later, she's at a bar and a guy asks, "Hey, don't you know Boy A?" After a few clarifications, Boy A's friends ask, "Did you sleep with him?" Girl A responds, "I would have but he pulled out his guitar and started playing!"

  • Boy A is an avid Ohio State and Notre Dame fan. Boy A tries to hook up with Girl A. Boy A's penis does not cooperate. Later, Boy A tries to hook up with Girl B (a friend of Girl A). Again, the penis does not cooperate. Later, Boy A tries to hook up with Girl C (another friend of Girl A). Once again, the penis does not cooperate. Boy A's response: "Damn you Michigan girls." He finally finds success with Girl D (yet another friend of Girl A).

  • What's the best way to spend New Year's Day? Drinking with friends, watching football and hockey, and then capping off the night with sex in a bar bathroom.

  • Girls A and B visit Windsor. The plan was to go to a hockey game, go to the casino and then spend the night at a nearby hotel. Girl A had gone to see Boy A, but Girl B was just being a good wingman. Girl B gets a little friendly with Boy A's friend, Boy B, but has nowhere to go with him. Girl B and Boy B end up in the hotel's vending area.

  • Girl A and some friends head out to meet up with Boy A and his friends at a rookie party. The rookies have to dress up in costume so Boy A shows up as a green M&M. Girl A and Boy A hook up and the next morning, Boy A has to leave the apartment in a Green M&M costume.
* No one's really a "whore". We use that word as a term of endearment.

** These are stories of several different friends. I just label them "Girl A" or "Girl B" to keep things simple. Girls A and B really aren't huge whores, I swear.


  1. How many of these stories involve you as either Girl A or Girl B?

    Just as a service to the folks living vicariously through your blog.

    That is all.

  2. Why am I not involved in these stories :( Except for the malfunctioning penis one.